Laundry Hamper Radiation-By Nadine Noriega

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Meanwhile, Uncle Dewey, Sgt Falconian's UNCLE, having been released from JAIL, was now living next door to SGT FALCONIAN'S ROOM. Uncle DEWEY was EXTREMELY ABSENTMINDED------------to the POINT OF COMPLETE IDIOCY. He had BARELY ESCAPED being EATEN BY CRAZY LOIS----------who, during one of her INTENSE CRAVINGS, had GONE AFTER THE LITTLE MAN, who had so resembled SGT FALCONIAN, that the TWO OF THEM COULD'VE BEEN TWINS---------they looked that much alike!
Crazy Lois was off her meds again, AND SHE HAD REVERTED TO HER USUAL HOMICIDAL SELF. She had already attempted to snack on Mr Lincoln's cat, Mr Lincoln's plant, several RESIDENTS, TWO of her SONS, her HUSBAND, who'd been found hiding in the basement. Crazy Lois had been taken down to the POLICE STATION, after she had HIJACKED AN ICE CREAM TRUCK! When she had been put BACK on her meds------VITAMINS which had REDUCED HER STRANGE CRAVINGS---------Lois became almost NORMAL.
After ACCOSTING NADINE, the TINY WINGED CREATURE, inside the ELEVATOR, Lois caught sight of Uncle Dewey, who was trying to get inside his NEPHEW'S ROOM, thinking it was HIS OWN. The mad velociraptor HAD STALKED UNCLE DEWEY, until she caught him inside the LAUNDRY ROOM.When ONE OF THE RESIDENTS, had gone down there to do his LAUNDRY, Lois had the little man in a HEADLOCK, ATTEMPTING TO CHEW ON HIS EARS. She got away, running after Mr Winston's pet RABBIT, JAKE, and it was AFTER THE INCIDENT with the ICE CREAM TRUCK, that Lois was caught and taken to the hospital, to be put back on her VITAMINS.
Uncle Dewey--------as noted---------was COMPLETELY ABSENTMINDED, and besides this problem, he also had gotten some VERY STRANGE IDEAS. It was not clear whether these ideas came from a brain which was HALF-HUMAN and HALF-REPTILIAN, or whether Uncle Dewey would've been this way HAD HE BEEN FULLY HUMAN. At ANY RATE, the little man was VERY STRANGE, and he ALSO HAD A VERY STRANGE PET, called a SPIDERANTULA, which was HALF SPIDER, AND HALF TARANTULA.
No one knew how this MYSTERIOUS creature came into being, but Uncle Dewey said that he had found it INSIDE A WASHING MACHINE in the BUILDING'S LAUNDRY ROOM, one day, when he went DOWN there to do his LAUNDRY, and, instead of KILLING IT, he ADOPTED IT. He would spend HOURS WATCHING HIS STRANGE NEW PET WEAVING INTRICATE WEBS, and all the time he would wonder why his giant spider never got CAUGHT in its own web. He had THEORIES as to how his pet came into being, and it had to do with a BLACK HOLE THAT WAS INSIDE THE WASHING MACHINE.
Uncle Dewey had long studied cosmic mysteries, such as the NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE, and the POSSIBILITY of LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS, the MYSTERY which was GRAVITY, and WHY SOCKS DISAPPEARED INSIDE THE LAUNDRY. One theory that he had was that SOCKS WERE INTELLIGENT BEINGS, and that they had PLANNED TO DISAPPEAR into thin air. ANOTHER THEORY that he had, had something to do with QUANTUM MECHANICS somehow being involved in transforming socks into BELLY BUTTON LINT, and DUSTBUNNIES. Still ANOTHER THEORY that he had, involved CANNIBALISTIC SOCKS, that ROAMED THE UNIVERSE, TERRORIZING AND EATING OTHER HELPLESS SOCKS which had been left in the DRYER, or had been dropped there, by ACCIDENT.
At any rate, Uncle Dewey was having a LIVELY DISCUSSION with his pet SPIDERANTULA, which he had named 'AUGUST'----------because he'd FOUND the creature IN AUGUST. At the moment, he was TELLING AUGUST--------AUGIE, FOR SHORT--------that, " socks go missing in the laundry because a space-time warp somehow transforms them into BELLY-BUTTON LINT, AND THAT THEY USE A WASHER THAT RESEMBLES AN ATOMIC SUPER-COLLIDER!-------JUST LOOK AT THIS DIAGRAM I HAVE, don't YOU THINK THAT THESE PICTURES LOOK THE SAME?"
Augie, of course, COULDN'T TALK, but his BIG BLACK EYES TOOK IN EVERYTHING that the little man was showing him, and--------presumably, THOUGH ONE COULD NEVER TELL WITH SPIDERANTULAS---------he could UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING THAT UNCLE DEWEY was SAYING ABOUT THE WASHER BEING A WORMHOLE into ANOTHER UNIVERSE.. After Crazy Lois had run off, Uncle Dewey had proceeded to TAKE THE WASHER APART. He was INTERRUPTED by the arrival of GUSHING WATER, WHICH HAD BEEN CAUSED WHEN he had removed a PIPE without TURNING OFF THE WATER! It had been the SECOND TIME that day that he had been ATTACKED BY A VELOCIRAPTOR, because WALT THE JANITOR had NOT BEEN VERY HAPPY ABOUT Uncle Dewey's renovation of the WASHING MACHINE, and HE HAD PUT THE LITTLE MAN IN AN INTENSE HEADLOCK!
It had taken SEVERAL HUMANS AND VELOCIRPATORS to PRY WALT THE JANITOR off of UNCLE DEWEY, who was SOAKED TO THE SKIN and was bruised and battered. Far from being DISCOURAGED from his venture, Uncle Dewey waited until everyone had left, and the water had been pumped out of the laundry room, to go back to his project. His theory was that dryers had been spinning away, JUST LIKE SUPER-COLLIDERS, and that they SPINNED SOCKS INTO COLLISIONS SO ENERGETIC, THAT THEY BUILT UP POWERFUL JOLTS of STATIC ELECTRICITY, which HAD CREATED A WORMHOLE THAT THE SOCKS DISAPPEARED INTO. Uncle Dewey called this energy, LAUNDRY-HAMPER RADIATION.
He had WAITED until EVERYONE WAS ASLEEP, and he'd gone down to the LAUNDRY ROOM, where THAT washing machine was. Once he was there he REWIRED AND REWORKED IT UNTIL HE WAS SATISFIED with his new theory. When he was FINISHED with his 'WORK', he PLUGGED the WASHER INTO A WALL SOCKET, and WHAT HAD HAPPENED NEXT had CONVINCED UNCLE DEWEY to BELIEVE that he had MASTERED the knack of quantum teleportation, achieving what was effectively FASTER-THAN-LIGHT SPEED over short distances. But what he had ACTUALLY DONE, was create a MASSIVE SHORT-CIRCUIT that had sent the ENTIRE TOWN INTO DARKNESS. When the sparks and the smoke had cleared, Uncle Dewey's feet were FRAUGHT with crawling nerves. His left foot felt like the bottom of it was crawling with insects carrying live electrical cords. Every once in a while, he felt a nasty shock on the bottom of that foot, AND WHEN THEY HAD TAKEN HIM TO THE ER, Uncle Dewey WAS HAVING TROUBLE MOVING HIS LEFT SIDE.
This was NOT strange, in and of itself, but when the DOCTORS had told UNCLE DEWEY to REMOVE HIS SHOE, they WERE ASTONISHED TO FIND THAT THE LITTLE man had had a SCREW THAT HAD BEEN WELDED INTO THE BOTTOM OF HIS LEFT FOOT!