THE LAWNMOWER

THE LAWN MOWER-TWENTY-ONE-Lobelia
was in the kitchen, dining on LEFT-OVERS from
Joe's Diner. Earlier, he'd snacked
on----respectively----potato chips, chocolate mints,
strawberry cookies, yogurt, yams, fried potatoes,
AND THEN, TO TOP IT ALL OFF, the LEFTOVER
BURGERS AND CHILI from JOE'S DINER!
The large velociraptor hovered over the leftovers.
He was enjoying his FOOD, IMMENSELY! But then,
SUDDENLY, A HUGE WAVE OF PAIN ENGULFED HIM!
LOBELIA SCREAMED AND THEN HE ROARED!!!!!
Pinkie Toes, three-eyed beings, jellified creatures,
and a HOST OF OTHER STRANGE ENTITIES, went
scattering out into the courtyard! Sgt Falconian
grabbed a pair of scizzors, and LUNGED AT LOBELIA!
"i CAN'T STAND TO SEE A GUY SUFFER!" the little
man yelled, and before ANYONE COULD STOP HIM,
SGT FALCONIAN SLASHED AT LOBELIA'S
BRAND-NEW PANTS!!!!
Lobelia suddenly straightened up. "THE PAIN IS
GONE!" A look of WONDER replaced the AGONY that
had been on the REPTILIAN'S FACE. "What ON
EARTH did you DO? My PANTS...."
Sgt Falconian peered up at his large cousin. His
beetle brows knit together. HIS OWN PANTS were
BAGGY and TORN. A mustard stain ran down the
front of his shirt, which was missing a few buttons.
He looked COMICAL, and LOBELIA LAUGHED....
Sgt Falconian spoke, "I cut yer BELT! Martin made
yer PANTS TOO TIGHT! They're at least TWO SIZES
TOO SMALL. An' ya NEED TA GO ONNA DIET!!!! YER
EATIN' WAY TOO MUCH!!!!"
Martin turned and walked away. He'd been
discovered...Lobelia would now be getting his pants
TWO SIZES BIGGER that they'd been, and NOW HE
HAD TO THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE. But FIRST----he
had to deal with the ANIMALS outside HIS
BASEMENT ROOM. They had been KEEPING HIM UP
NIGHTS, and now THEY HAD TO BE STOPPED!!!
Animals were RUINING HIS LIFE! Martin had
NOTICED how ENTHUSIASTIC those little CRIMINALS
were, about MORNINGS! As SOON as the sky turned
from BLACK TO a dark BLUE, THEY WOKE UP AND
STARTED RUNNING AROUND MAKING THAT
INFERNAL RACKET THEY CALLED 'GREETINGS'----for
NO DARN GOOD REASON!
They woke up and started running around making
NOISES----every DARNED DAY, THEY CHIRPED, THEY
MUTTERED, THEY SHRIEKED, THEY TWITTERED!!!!!
"Holy crap! I'm an animal and it's really BLOOMING
early in the morning and I feel great!!!!"
Martin hadn't SLEPT more than 5 hours in a night for
over a WEEK, now and it's all because of one stupid
bird that lived in a tree RIGHT OUTSIDE HIS
BASEMENT WINDOW!!!
Martin had had a NIGHTMARE at 4:00 AM and the
bird had WOKEN UP THREE HOURS LATER, and
started making sounds like a RETARDED ALARM
CLOCK, because it was so EXCITED to be a BIRD.
THIS IDIOT BIRD woke up EVERY OTHER ANIMAL in
the world and then all the animals were replying-----
"Yaaaaaayyyy! We're ANIMALS and it's MORNING!"
MARTIN WISHED THAT THEY COULD all GO AND
JUMP IN THE LAKE!
Sometimes he tried to YELL at them to get them to
be QUIET, but they're animals so they DIDN'T listen
to him, AT ALL!!!
Martin would just end up lying in his bed getting
madder and MADDER at them until he wasn't even
SLEEPY anymore and then HE GOT up and made
COFFEE and tried to remember to go to the STORE
to buy EARPLUGS.
But that never happened because he'd start getting
BUSY over something and he'd forget and pretty
soon it was NIGHT TIME, and he'd be KICKING
HIMSELF, because HE DIDN'T GO TO THE STORE,
and then he'd go to bed secretly hoping that maybe
all the animals would get REALLY depressed and
they wouldn't feel the need to tell the WHOLE
UNIVERSE about how excited they are, but NO.
The moment there was even one fraction of a ray of
sunshine in the sky, the bird was wide awake and
WAKING EVERYBODY ELSE!!!!
That BIRD was a PATHETIC DRAB----just like
EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS creepy JOINT! Madness
and TORMENT----that's what the ANIMALS did to him,
that's what the LIFE FORMS IN BUILDING C, did to
him, AND THAT'S WHAT THAT VELOCIRAPTIC
IDIOT----LOBELIA-----was doing to him, NOW!!!!!
He could HEAR THE LITTLE IDIOT PINKIE TOES,
upstairs, singing their IDIOT SONGS in their IDIOT
LITTLE CHIPMUNK VOICES!!!!
!"I-GOT-A-PINKIE-TOE!
I-GOT-A-PINKIE-TOE!
I-GOT-A-PINKIE-TOE!
I LOVE MY PINKIE TOE!!!!")
...over and Over and OVER AND OVER AND OVER.....
Martin clenched his FISTS and jammed them into his
EARS. He could HEAR HIS BLOOD PUMPING
THROUGH HIS SYSTEM. He opened his mouth and
SCREAMED, but his SCREAMS WERE DROWNED OUT
BY A LAWNMOWER, running OUTSIDE...