The Sock People-By Nadine Noriega

While Sgt Falconian

was at the LIBRARY, doing RESEARCH on COLOR FIELDS,

Walt's football team had gotten into a BIG FIGHT with

ANOTHER TEAM during FOOTBALL PRACTICE. The fight had

made the EVENING NEWS, and the VERY NEXT MORNING, it

had MADE THE FRONT PAGE.

Reported taunting led to a fight between two football teams

Wednesday.

No one was arrested or charged in the 6 p.m. incident at the

HamonRye Football field.
according to Deputy Sam Snooper.

Athletic Director Keith Kandikane said assistant coach

Ryan Krogerskrackers was
given a yellow-card for abusive language to an official.

Kandikane said he received an e-mail from the Athletic
Association Thursday that said no other further action was

necessary in the
matter. The Red Dwarfs beat HamonRye 7-0.

"The two teams were taunting each other on the field and

that led to verbal
altercations, which led to players physically fighting each

other on the field,"
Snooper said.

Capt Russell Hoolihan said the matter is still being

investigated.

"There are some things that weren't substantiated. But with

a thing like that,
we're still doing some checking and trying to cover all our

bases," Hoolihan said.

Meanwhile, Sgt Falconian had replaced all the

BULBS in his ROOM with SODIUM BULBS. This new lighting

system had turned everything in the little man's room, a

ghastly yellow color, but it eliminated all of the BLUE COLOR

that was in the room. Things had settled down and the

scruffy little man and his winged pet were at last having a

NORMAL LIFE.
However, it speeded up whatever was happening

around Sgt Falconian's room. More and more people were

turning into INFANTS, and even MORE THINGS WERE

DISAPPEARING INTO THIN AIR. Sgt Falconian's immediate

neighbors-----Mr Left, in room 30, and Ms Right, in room 31,

were experiencing an alarming rise in MISSING SOCKS!

Already, Sgt Falconian's two neighbors had

LOST-----between the TWO of them--------------over 37 PAIRS OF

SOCKS!
Unknown to THEM-----or to the REST OF BUILDING

C-----Sgt Falconian's NEW LIGHTS were SPEEDING UP A

wormhole that had started forming in Sgt Falconian's

trapezoid kitchen. When the wormhole had FORMED, SOCK

PEOPLE HAD CLIMBED THROUGH THE WORMHOLE, which

had started near SGT FALCONIAN'S KITCHEN SINK, and was

NOW FILLING UP MOST OF HIS KITCHEN.
For the MOST PART, the WORMHOLE was

INVISIBLE, save for some SPARKING which would rise up

from the SINK. This SPARKING would sometimes cause the

TOILET to FLUSH.
These SOCK PEOPLE would CLIMB THROUGH THE

WORMHOLE in SGT FALCONIAN'S ROOM. Using their small

TOOLS, they'd open up OTHER WORMHOLES to OTHER

ROOMS, and they'd use THESE WORMHOLES to STEAL

SOCKS! These people were perfectly content with hoarding

tons of used socks. In a SINGLE NIGHT, it wasn't unusual for

these individuals to net SEVERAL TONS OF SOCKS.
The Sock People would go from ROOM TO ROOM,

sifting through laundry hampers and drawers, looking for

DIRTY SOCKS, which they would then PUREE and SELL IN

VENDING MACHINES, as MOLDY SOCKS were CONSIDERED A

HEALTH FOOD, much like SOY MILK, and WHEAT BRAN

MUFFINS.
Early in the year, the SOCK PEOPLE had become

victims of a FLU EPIDEMIC, and their SCIENTISTS had found

that eating sweaty socks along with pureed calavasitas

could GREATLY DECREASE THEIR CHANCES OF CATCHING

the FLU. Dirty socks were a natural VACCINE AGAINST THIS

FLU, and the SOCK PEOPLE WERE GROWING DESPERATE!
Because the FLU was DEADLY, Sock People all

over the UNIVERSE had been GOING THROUGH THE

WORMHOLE, STEALING SOCKS FROM HAMPERS AND

LAUNDRYROOMS AT BUILDING C, and FRYING THEM,

ALONG WITH THEIR BACON AND EGGS, to EAT THEM FOR

BREAKFAST! Toe socks were an especial favorite, as they

tasted SWEETER than TUBE SOCKS.
Sock people also preferred SOCKS with MAUVE

STRIPES, and DIAGONAL PLEATING, as THESE socks

seemed to have HEALING QUALITIES, as did SOCKS WITH

MULTI-COLORED STRIPES on them. Because MORE AND

MORE SOCK PEOPLE were falling ill with the FLU, the

DEMAND FOR FRESH SOCKS became so great that NOW

THEY WERE BRANCHING OUT into OTHER PARTS OF

BUILDING C, going through rooms which had rarely been

used, or that had been VACATED LONG AGO.
Such were the affairs, ONE MORNING, when Sgt

Falconian had taken his bath, and was looking forward to

watching the football game, wearing his favorite orange and

blue tube socks-----the COLOR OF HIS FAVORITE TEAM, the

DENVER BRONCOS. As he dressed, he searched in vain for

his favorite socks, and found, to his dismay, that they were

GONE....

JOE-PART ONE

A story about an alien being who discovers her husband has turned into a baby.

Crazy Lois ran out into the
hallway, where the screams came from. She saw her
younger son, Malloy, standing over a pile of rags. Malloy
was silently crying, and bending over the pile. "Daddy..." he sobbed. "What the HELL IS GOING ON?" Crazy Lois
demanded in a shrill voice. Malloy was shaking and crying silently, he was
biting his lower lip and tears were streaming down his face.
He kept pointing to the pile of clothes, and a baby, which
was setting on top of them. The infant-----probably a NEWBORN--------was
screaming lustily, clawing at the air with his tiny fists. The
baby looked HUMAN. "Oh that's just GREAT! Did you STEAL SOMEONE'S
KID?" Crazy Lois yelled, angrily. "No! I----" Malloy stuttered. "See, this is the SORT OF THING THAT MAKES ME
WANT TO EAT YOU!!!!!" Crazy Lois screamed, shrilly, as she
collared her son. "Mom, I didn't DO anything----" "You take this KID BACK WHERE YOU GOT HIM
FROM!!!!" "Mom! I CAN'T-----" "Where's REED----Where's your FATHER?" "Mom...Will you PLEASE LISTEN?" "Joe! JOE!" Crazy Lois screamed, shrilly, for her
husband. "Damn it..." she muttered, picking up the infant.
"What the HELL did you kids do, NOW? You KIDNAPPED A
BABY, and I'm NOT GOING TO PRISON FOR YOU!!!!" The baby was screaming, and its bottom felt WET.
Crazy Lois muttered a swear word, and then took the baby
inside. She sent Malloy out to the GROCERY STORE, for
some DIAPERS and FORMULA, and then she started to
bathe the baby. As she drew a bath, she noticed the small
DOVE which the baby had on its forearm. JOE had a TATTOO JUST LIKE THAT!!! Looking closer at the baby's face, she saw a small
scar on its left eyebrow-------like the one JOE had, when HE'D
BEEN INVOLVED IN A CAR ACCIDENT on a cold RAINY
NIGHT. As she scrubbed the human baby, she muttered
about how TOUGH LIFE WAS FOR HER, that it had been a
MISTAKE to marry a human, and even though he wasn't
FULLY HUMAN, he still had the BAD TRAITS OF THAT AWFUL
RACE. Her sons were JUST as bad. They took after their FATHER in EVERY WAY. They
were SLOPPY, THEYate JUNK FOOD and left their CLOTHES
OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR. They YELLED all the
time and THREW THINGS AT EACH OTHER! They were RUDE,
like ALL HUMANS! "One of these DAYS----"Crazy Lois hissed into the
baby's face, "I'm GONNA EAT THEM ALL!" The baby laughed into her face, and its laughing reminded her of Joe, who was always LAUGHING at his
reptilian wife. He had done that THIS MORNING, when Crazy
Lois had discovered Malloy and Reed spraying whipped
cream all over Logan, her youngest son. She had collared all three of her sons, breathing
fire and threatening to EAT THEM RIGHT THEN AND THERE!
Joe had appeared at the doorway, taking his sons out to
the car----they were going to SCHOOL--------while Lois wiped
the whipped cream off of Logan's face. When Joe had come back from taking the boys to
school, Crazy Lois was still breathing fire, and threatening
to eat her kids, but Joe just LAUGHED. They were JUST
KIDS, he said. Boy's being boys. Crazy Lois snorted. One of these days.... Malloy returned with the diapers. Crazy Lois
quickly dried the infant off and powdered the infant's
bottom. Then, after putting a diaper on it, Lois warmed up
the formula and put it inside a baby bottle. The baby was
grabbing at the small blanket Crazy Lois had wrapped it in.
The baby cooed up at her, playing with her fingers. Malloy
was grabbing at his mother's shirt sleeve, trying to TELL her
something about HIS DADDY. The half-reptilian boy was
quietly sobbing. Crazy Lois looked down at the baby's face,
startled to see her husband's confused expression----Joe
always looked GOOFY, as if he was perpetually confused.
For an instant, she thought that her husband had been
fooling around with ANOTHER WOMAN, and that the woman
had abandoned her infant at Joe's doorstep. This made her
growl low in her throat. She leered at the baby, and grabbed
its tiny throat with her large scaly hand. But Malloy screamed and grabbed her arm. "PLEASE DON'T HURT DADDY!" he screamed.

My work in progress--AIRPORT-FLIGHT OF THE CHUPA

Meanwhile, Police had arrested Willie at the SAVE-A-BUNCH grocery store after the clerks found him at a table in the deli section, eating avocados, cake and other items. Captain Hoolihan had reported that the chupacabra appeared to be intoxicated----he had found and drank several cans of beer that TOMMY GRIBBLE had had in his truck, when it had crashed.
When found, Willie had been dining and had eaten a hearty spread, including cake, cookies and plums, in the deli area around 2:45 a.m. Tuesday.
Captain Hoolihan had said that they'd found avocado pits and pistachio shells on the floor and on a connecting table in the store. When police tried to take Willie out of the store, he growled and jumped over a counter and locked himself in a storage room. Sgt Falconian called Joe at the diner, and the cook went to the store to TALK WILLIE OUT OF THE STORAGE ROOM.
Joe-------who could talk the SOCKS OUT OF THEIR DRAWERS----- WAS woefully UNSUCCESSFUL, when it came to WILLIE. The chupa crawled out of the window and ran off. It was UNFORTUNATE for a family picnic down the street, as they had mistaken the chupa for their WEIRD UNCLE THAXTER. After helping himself to SEVERAL MORE DISHES, WILLIE had enraged several family members by GROWLING at the family Matriarch, who had promply gone after the chupa with her PURSE.
Then, "all hell broke loose", Captain Hoolihan had reported, as the FRACAS TURNED INTO A FULL-SCALE RIOT!
The rioters were "throwing jack irons, throwing tire irons, anything they could get their hands on." Some people EVEN CARRIED BASEBALL BATS AND BROOMS!
Captain Hoolihan had arrested two people at a high school during the initial disturbance. Relatives of the people who were arrested followed officers to police headquarters at city hall, and then the melee erupted.Six more people were arrested at city hall, Reese said, and police called in reinforcements from surrounding cities. Some officers wore riot gear, and many planned to stay overnight to help maintain order.
During the night, the fighting got even WORSE, as the town was placed under MARTIAL LAW. Several of the MARAUDERS had reached BUILDING C, but all the residents had locked their doors and stood in readiness to defend their building. Sgt Falconian had left Nadine with Lobelia, while he went down to the storage room at the SAVE-A-BUNCH to help JOE talk to WILLIE.
The CHUPA had somehow made his way to the AIRPORT. He'd stowed away in the trunk of a YELLOW CAB, which was taking a passenger to the airport. When he'd GOTTEN THERE, Willie had ingested even MORE alcoholic beverages at the airport bar. After THAT, he'd grabbed a jacket, belonging to one of the pilots, and entered the cockpit of a CESSNA AIRPLANE.
Once airborne, Willie served himself some more cocktails while at the controls. Two hours later he was apparently so inebriated that he was unable to read the instruments telling him where the airfield was---not that he was able to read the instruments, anyway! The chupa, who'd once been a trained pilot back in his home world, was now in a STRANGE NEW WORLD, and, worse, he had regressed into a BABY WHO'D GOTTEN DRUNK ON TOO MANY BEERS AND COCKTAILS, not to MENTION all the FOOD HE'D EATEN...
As he flew through the air, weaving his way through the skies, Willie had heard the squawk of the radio----the voices were now getting VERY PANICKY------
"I don't know what he's doing - he's going everywhere," sputtered a controller as he radioed warnings of an "unknown aircraft" to passenger jets, and just about ANYBODY ELSE WHO COULD HEAR HIM. The voices rushed and almost screamed until Willie reached over, and PULLED THE RADIO OUT OF THE CONTROL MONITOR.
It was a BIG MISTAKE-----because when WILLIE PULLED THE RADIO OUT OF THE CONSOLE, THERE WAS A MASSIVE ELECTRICAL SHORT, AND HIS PLANE WAS GOING DOWN!!!!

Diamonds Are Forever

Last Updated: Monday, 16 February 2004, 15:31 GMT
E-mail this to a friend Printable version
Diamond star thrills astronomers A diamond that is almost forever Twinkling in the sky is a diamond star of 10 billion trillion trillion carats, astronomers have discovered. The cosmic diamond is a chunk of crystallised carbon, 4,000 km across, some 50 light-years from the Earth in the constellation Centaurus. It's the compressed heart of an old star that was once bright like our Sun but has since faded and shrunk. Astronomers have decided to call the star "Lucy" after the Beatles song, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Twinkle twinkle "You would need a jeweller's loupe the size of the Sun to grade this diamond," says astronomer Travis Metcalfe, of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics, who led the team of researchers that discovered it. The diamond star completely outclasses the largest diamond on Earth, the 546-carat Golden Jubilee which was cut from a stone brought out of the Premier mine in South Africa. The huge cosmic diamond - technically known as BPM 37093 - is actually a crystallised white dwarf. A white dwarf is the hot core of a star, left over after the star uses up its nuclear fuel and dies. It is made mostly of carbon. For more than four decades, astronomers have thought that the interiors of white dwarfs crystallised, but obtaining direct evidence became possible only recently. The white dwarf is not only radiant but also rings like a gigantic gong, undergoing constant pulsations. "By measuring those pulsations, we were able to study the hidden interior of the white dwarf, just like seismograph measurements of earthquakes allow geologists to study the interior of the Earth. "We figured out that the carbon interior of this white dwarf has solidified to form the galaxy's largest diamond," says Metcalfe. Astronomers expect our Sun will become a white dwarf when it dies 5 billion years from now. Some two billion years after that, the Sun's ember core will crystallise as well, leaving a giant diamond in the centre of the solar system. "Our Sun will become a diamond that truly is forever," says Metcalfe.

The crooked cops-PART ONE-By Nadine Noriega

NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. Gary was in a LOT OF TROUBLE. He had been speeding down 4th and TROY, when
suddenly a cop car squealed its TIRES, turned on its
SIRENS, and stopped him right at 4th and Utica. Gary
waited while the policeman strode over to his car. "GET OUT OF THE CAR!" he ordered brusquely. When Gary got out of the car, the policeman
looked him up and down. Gary couldn't SEE his EYES
because the man was wearing SILVER SHADES. "Your eyes are BLOODSHOT! Have you been
drinking?" Gary stared BACK at the INSOLENT TWIT. He said,
slowly, so that the TWIT could UNDERSTAND, "Officer, I
couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you
been eating DONUTS?" The cop GRABBED GARY THEN, and STUCK THE
CUFFS ON HIM. Then he THREW Gary into his car, and then
SPED DOWN TOWARDS THE JAILHOUSE. Then, because
there were STAIRS, the cop TRIPPED GARY, and he went
ROLLING DOWN THE STAIRS....Gary lay on the floor. He was
reminded of a STUPID JOKE that Tommy had told him only
HOURS before:
How many cops does it take to throw a man down the
stairs???
None. He fell...... Gary's BLOOD ALCOHOL was WAY ABOVE THE
LIMIT, and so when he'd been SENT BEFORE THE
JUDGE--------------AGAIN----------------the judge glared down at
GARY, and thundered "It is the SENTENCE of this COURT
that you be taken from here to a place of EXECUTION, and
there hanged by the neck until DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!!!!!!!." Gary FAINTED. The court bailiff looked up at the judge, and the
judge shrugged and responded "I've always WANTED to do
that..."
....Later, at GARY'S HEARING, IT WAS REVEALED
THAT his WIFE, LOTTIE, had run off with a policeman. Gary
had explained to the JUDGE that he was SPEEDING DOWN
4TH AND TROY, because HIS WIFE had run off with the
policeman, AND GARY HAD PANICKED AND STEPPED ON
THE GAS, BECAUSE HE FEARED that the OFFICER had
gotten FRIGHTENED OF LOTTIE, and he was TRYING TO
GIVE HER BACK TO GARY! "Lottie drove THREE OF HER EX-HUSBANDS TO
SUICIDE, and TWO OTHERS ARE MISSING!" Gary had
testified, at his HEARING, "I didn't WANT Lottie back, AND
BESIDES, I'm in LOVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!" The judge had let GARY GO, and Gary went and
spent the night with his VOLUPTUOUS VELOCIRAPTOR,
MARGO, and the VERY NEXT DAY HE WAS GONE... Now, IN ADDITION TO WILLIE THE CHUPACABRA,
and the disgruntled customer at JOE'S DINER, there were
TWO MORE SUSPECTS in Gary's disappearance: his wife
LOTTIE, and the OFFICER SHE'D RUN OFF WITH. He was
about to go and INTERVIEW THEM, when Lobelia called him
on the PHONE. "I CAN'T STAND THE CRYING ANY LONGER!"
Lobelia spoke into the phone. "What's WRONG?" Sgt Falconian wanted to know.he could hear NADINE WAILING IN THE BACKGROUND. "I think NADINE IS SICK--------she's been CRYING
ALL AFTERNOON! I've tried EVERYTHING, but she still
CRIES...." Sgt Falconian sighed. Nadine had always been a
HIGH-MAINTENANCE BABY. From the FIRST DAY she'd come
to LIVE with the little man, Nadine had had NEEDS, and she
would CRY--------MOSTLY IN THE EVENING. The little man had
WAYS TO QUIET HER DOWN. Often he would stick her in a
SLING, which he wore on his shoulder, while he did the
VACUUMING. Sgt Falconian looked FUNNY when he did this,
and, when OTTO had SEEN HIM THIS WAY, HE LAUGHED
LIKE CRAZY, BUT SGT FALCONIAN DIDN'T MIND, when he
saw Nadine's contented features nestled against his
breast. Sgt Falconian hurried home. When he GOT THERE, he found the winged
creature, nestled up against LOBELIA'S MASSIVE CHEST.
She was hugging him and CLUTCHING AT HIM WITH HER
SMALL SCALY GREEN HANDS, and she was SOBBING WITH
HUGE, SHAKING HEAVES! Nadine looked up at Sgt
Falconian, and the little man saw FEAR in her eyes. Quickly,
he took the winged creature from Lobelia's arms. As he
caressed Nadine's scaly features, the little man spoke, "She's AFRAID of something....Something
MUST'VE SPOOKED her...." He hugged Nadine hard, pressing
her small head against his small chest. HE looked at
Lobelia, who had the SAME FRIGHTENED EXPRESSION. The
velociraptor took Sgt Falconian aside. "I think somebody's been in YOUR ROOM..." "What?" "When I went over to pick up some things for
Nadine, I saw your CLOSET DOOR OPEN!"

Gary-The Story of a HENPECKED HUSBAND-By Nadine Noriega

The day before he disappeared, Gary was at Joe's Diner with his best friend, TOMMY GRIBBLE. They were eating cheeseburgers and green chili and they were both sitting in the both. Gary was UPSET because LOTTIE--------his WIFE-------had given him HELL again.
"She got AFTER me 'cuz I left the dog in the basement..."
Tommy shook his head. Lottie was a mean-spirited short woman with black hair and mean-looking black eyes. "That's NOT FAIR..." Tommy said, in between bites of his burger. "Everybody MAKES MISTAKES..."
"But I did it ON PURPOSE!" Gary stated, matter-of-factly, brushing a strand of his blond hair from his eyes. "That HOUND FROM HELL ATTACKED ME while I was PUTTIN' UP TH' ANTENNA!'
Gary had told about what had HAPPENED, earlier that day. He'd been up on the roof fixing up the antenna, and he'd gone down the ladder to get a piece of WIRE FROM HIS TOOL KIT. The dog had fastened onto Gary's arm, and Gary had had to go to the VET to get the dog OFF OF HIM. The vet sedated the dog, and Gary took it HOME to the basement.
"Lottie kicked me out of the house!" Gary said, sadly. "Guess I'll go ACROSS THE STREET and get a ROOM!"
Tommy shook his head. "Nah. Stay over with ME! Tommy Jr is at his GRANDMA'S for the weekend, and the place is EMPTY without him.
"Okay... "Gary muttered, and drank his coffee. Soon he paid for his dinner and left. Tommy stared at his friend's departing figure.
\ "GARY'S a GOOD GUY..." Tommy thought, to himself. Soft-hearted as all get out. Taking in ALL KINDS OF STRANGE CREATURES, like the baby robins he found in his backyard, and the WEIRD-LOOKING THING that looked like a GIANT VEINED JELLY FISH!
Gary had bought all kinds of birdseeds for the baby robins, and he'd taken care of them until they were OLD ENOUGH TO BE OUT ON THEIR OWN, but THEN when they got BIG, Gary found out that the 'baby robins', were BUZZARDS, and THEY FIXATED ON THE SAILOR, dive-bombing him and pooping on his HEAD!"
The JELLYFISH CREATURE, Gary had found ON TOP OF HIS PICKUP, late one night, had found, late one night, when he was coming home from work. There it was, on the HOOD, and Gary didn't know whether to EAT IT or PLANT IT. But then he saw that it was an INTELLIGENT SENTIENT BEING, and so he kept it up on a SHELF in the KITCHEN. Lottie, of course, HATED it, but Gary had set his FOOT DOWN. He was KEEPING THE CREATURE, and Lottie could go to h------------
Now the customers were talking around Tommy, but he didn't HEAR what they were saying. He was REALLY WORRIED ABOUT GARY. He should---------Tommy thought---------KEEP THE BUZZARDS and that JELLYFISH THING, because they HAD TREATED HIM BETTER THAN LOTTIE DID.
Gary, meanwhile, was thinking---------something he WASN'T USED TO DOING! He strode down the street to the parking lot, where his pickup was parked. He WAS-----he thought---------BETTER OFF WITHOUT LOTTIE, and he'd been planning on asking her for a DIVORCE. Things had gotten SO BAD BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM, that NOW HE WAS TAKING PILLS FOR EVERYTHING FROM HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, HIGH CHOLESTEROL, and, TOENAIL FUNGUS!
Worse, Lottie's NAGGING had caused Gary to become ABSENT-MINDED! He shivered, as he remembered ALL THE THINGS HE'D BEEN FORGETTING, like names and addresses and supplies he was supposed to pick up for construction site! He was beginning to turn into his Aunt Aggie, who used to FORGET WHERE SHE LEFT HER HOUSE KEYS, or Uncle George, who had left his teeth in the MEN'S ROOM at the green HOUSE ON EVERGREEN TERRACE!
Uncle George had been seeing a woman there, and she WASN'T HIS WIFE! Gary's father had----------one time------taken the bus home from WORK, FORGETTING THAT HE'D DRIVEN THERE THAT MORNING! Gary got into his truck and SAT THERE. He was TURNING INTO THESE PEOPLE!
One night, Gary was walking home from Joe's Diner. He had been staring at the stars, wondering at their beauty, and awestruck at how much the sky had looked like black velvet. He forgot where he was going, and he fell down a ditch which was filled with SEWAGE!
He HATED LOTTIE! He hated her BEEDY EYES, her black TARANTULA-LIKE HAIR, and her HIGH-PITCHED WHINY VOICE!!!! He felt like ALL THE JOKES PEOPLE TOLD ABOUT HEN-PECKED HUSBANDS...HENPECKED HUSBANDS...Gary was a HENPECKED HUSBAND!!!!!
1. He wears the pants in the house – under his apron.
2. He has two chances of winning an argument with her, slim and none.
3. She leads a double life – hers and his.
4. He comes right out and says what she tells him to think.
5. She does not have to raise the roof, all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.
6. The only time he opens his mouth is to ask her for the apron and the vacuum cleaner.
7. He always has the last word – he says, “I apologize”.
8. She snaps “are you a man or a mouse – squeak up”.
9. He was a man about town, she has turned him into a mouse around the house.
10. The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry.
11. She tames to be pleased.
12. He put a ring on her finger and she put one through his nose.
13. He can’t even open his mouth to yawn, she complains he is causing a draft.
14. He was a dude before marriage – now he is subdued.
15. He married her for her looks, but not the kind he’s getting now.
16. He even has to ask permission to ask permission.
17. She lost her thumb in an accident and sued for $100,000, because it was the thumb she had him under.
18. She even complains about the noise he makes, when he is fixing his own breakfast.
19. He worships the ground she gives him the run – around on.
20. He goes to a woman dentist – it’s a relief to be told to open his mouth instead of to shut it.
21. When he is late for dinner he gets two kinds of meat, ‘hot tongue’ & ‘cold shoulder’.
22. He should have been warned, when he carried her over the threshold after they were married, that she couldn’t wait to put her foot down.
23. Every once in awhile she comes to him on her bended knees. She dares him to come out from under the bed.
24. He has to hold his pay envelope up to the light, to see if he got a raise.
25. She wants to go to the seashore, claiming that mountain air disagrees with her. He can’t see how it would dare.
Suddenly, Lottie's hateful, SCREAMING FACE swam before him. Before he knew what he was DOING, he'd started the pickup, GUNNED THE MOTOR, and WITH HIS FOOT FIRMLY DOWN ON THE GAS PEDAL, HE DROVE OUT OF THE PARKING LOT AND SPED DOWN THE HIGHWAY. he didn't KNOW HOW HE'D GOTTEN INTO THE ACCIDENT, BUT SUDDENLY, THERE WAS THE RAVINE, AND----------BEFORE HE COULD HIT THE BRAKES,
His pickup...
Went SAILING THROUGH THE AIR...
...And the LAST THING HE FELT, WAS A SICKENING FEELING OF WEIGHTLESSNESS!

Laundry Hamper Radiation-By Nadine Noriega

<12:42>
Meanwhile, Uncle Dewey, Sgt Falconian's UNCLE, having been released from JAIL, was now living next door to SGT FALCONIAN'S ROOM. Uncle DEWEY was EXTREMELY ABSENTMINDED------------to the POINT OF COMPLETE IDIOCY. He had BARELY ESCAPED being EATEN BY CRAZY LOIS----------who, during one of her INTENSE CRAVINGS, had GONE AFTER THE LITTLE MAN, who had so resembled SGT FALCONIAN, that the TWO OF THEM COULD'VE BEEN TWINS---------they looked that much alike!
Crazy Lois was off her meds again, AND SHE HAD REVERTED TO HER USUAL HOMICIDAL SELF. She had already attempted to snack on Mr Lincoln's cat, Mr Lincoln's plant, several RESIDENTS, TWO of her SONS, her HUSBAND, who'd been found hiding in the basement. Crazy Lois had been taken down to the POLICE STATION, after she had HIJACKED AN ICE CREAM TRUCK! When she had been put BACK on her meds------VITAMINS which had REDUCED HER STRANGE CRAVINGS---------Lois became almost NORMAL.
After ACCOSTING NADINE, the TINY WINGED CREATURE, inside the ELEVATOR, Lois caught sight of Uncle Dewey, who was trying to get inside his NEPHEW'S ROOM, thinking it was HIS OWN. The mad velociraptor HAD STALKED UNCLE DEWEY, until she caught him inside the LAUNDRY ROOM.When ONE OF THE RESIDENTS, had gone down there to do his LAUNDRY, Lois had the little man in a HEADLOCK, ATTEMPTING TO CHEW ON HIS EARS. She got away, running after Mr Winston's pet RABBIT, JAKE, and it was AFTER THE INCIDENT with the ICE CREAM TRUCK, that Lois was caught and taken to the hospital, to be put back on her VITAMINS.
Uncle Dewey--------as noted---------was COMPLETELY ABSENTMINDED, and besides this problem, he also had gotten some VERY STRANGE IDEAS. It was not clear whether these ideas came from a brain which was HALF-HUMAN and HALF-REPTILIAN, or whether Uncle Dewey would've been this way HAD HE BEEN FULLY HUMAN. At ANY RATE, the little man was VERY STRANGE, and he ALSO HAD A VERY STRANGE PET, called a SPIDERANTULA, which was HALF SPIDER, AND HALF TARANTULA.
No one knew how this MYSTERIOUS creature came into being, but Uncle Dewey said that he had found it INSIDE A WASHING MACHINE in the BUILDING'S LAUNDRY ROOM, one day, when he went DOWN there to do his LAUNDRY, and, instead of KILLING IT, he ADOPTED IT. He would spend HOURS WATCHING HIS STRANGE NEW PET WEAVING INTRICATE WEBS, and all the time he would wonder why his giant spider never got CAUGHT in its own web. He had THEORIES as to how his pet came into being, and it had to do with a BLACK HOLE THAT WAS INSIDE THE WASHING MACHINE.
Uncle Dewey had long studied cosmic mysteries, such as the NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE, and the POSSIBILITY of LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS, the MYSTERY which was GRAVITY, and WHY SOCKS DISAPPEARED INSIDE THE LAUNDRY. One theory that he had was that SOCKS WERE INTELLIGENT BEINGS, and that they had PLANNED TO DISAPPEAR into thin air. ANOTHER THEORY that he had, had something to do with QUANTUM MECHANICS somehow being involved in transforming socks into BELLY BUTTON LINT, and DUSTBUNNIES. Still ANOTHER THEORY that he had, involved CANNIBALISTIC SOCKS, that ROAMED THE UNIVERSE, TERRORIZING AND EATING OTHER HELPLESS SOCKS which had been left in the DRYER, or had been dropped there, by ACCIDENT.
At any rate, Uncle Dewey was having a LIVELY DISCUSSION with his pet SPIDERANTULA, which he had named 'AUGUST'----------because he'd FOUND the creature IN AUGUST. At the moment, he was TELLING AUGUST--------AUGIE, FOR SHORT--------that, " socks go missing in the laundry because a space-time warp somehow transforms them into BELLY-BUTTON LINT, AND THAT THEY USE A WASHER THAT RESEMBLES AN ATOMIC SUPER-COLLIDER!-------JUST LOOK AT THIS DIAGRAM I HAVE, don't YOU THINK THAT THESE PICTURES LOOK THE SAME?"
Augie, of course, COULDN'T TALK, but his BIG BLACK EYES TOOK IN EVERYTHING that the little man was showing him, and--------presumably, THOUGH ONE COULD NEVER TELL WITH SPIDERANTULAS---------he could UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING THAT UNCLE DEWEY was SAYING ABOUT THE WASHER BEING A WORMHOLE into ANOTHER UNIVERSE.. After Crazy Lois had run off, Uncle Dewey had proceeded to TAKE THE WASHER APART. He was INTERRUPTED by the arrival of GUSHING WATER, WHICH HAD BEEN CAUSED WHEN he had removed a PIPE without TURNING OFF THE WATER! It had been the SECOND TIME that day that he had been ATTACKED BY A VELOCIRAPTOR, because WALT THE JANITOR had NOT BEEN VERY HAPPY ABOUT Uncle Dewey's renovation of the WASHING MACHINE, and HE HAD PUT THE LITTLE MAN IN AN INTENSE HEADLOCK!
It had taken SEVERAL HUMANS AND VELOCIRPATORS to PRY WALT THE JANITOR off of UNCLE DEWEY, who was SOAKED TO THE SKIN and was bruised and battered. Far from being DISCOURAGED from his venture, Uncle Dewey waited until everyone had left, and the water had been pumped out of the laundry room, to go back to his project. His theory was that dryers had been spinning away, JUST LIKE SUPER-COLLIDERS, and that they SPINNED SOCKS INTO COLLISIONS SO ENERGETIC, THAT THEY BUILT UP POWERFUL JOLTS of STATIC ELECTRICITY, which HAD CREATED A WORMHOLE THAT THE SOCKS DISAPPEARED INTO. Uncle Dewey called this energy, LAUNDRY-HAMPER RADIATION.
He had WAITED until EVERYONE WAS ASLEEP, and he'd gone down to the LAUNDRY ROOM, where THAT washing machine was. Once he was there he REWIRED AND REWORKED IT UNTIL HE WAS SATISFIED with his new theory. When he was FINISHED with his 'WORK', he PLUGGED the WASHER INTO A WALL SOCKET, and WHAT HAD HAPPENED NEXT had CONVINCED UNCLE DEWEY to BELIEVE that he had MASTERED the knack of quantum teleportation, achieving what was effectively FASTER-THAN-LIGHT SPEED over short distances. But what he had ACTUALLY DONE, was create a MASSIVE SHORT-CIRCUIT that had sent the ENTIRE TOWN INTO DARKNESS. When the sparks and the smoke had cleared, Uncle Dewey's feet were FRAUGHT with crawling nerves. His left foot felt like the bottom of it was crawling with insects carrying live electrical cords. Every once in a while, he felt a nasty shock on the bottom of that foot, AND WHEN THEY HAD TAKEN HIM TO THE ER, Uncle Dewey WAS HAVING TROUBLE MOVING HIS LEFT SIDE.
This was NOT strange, in and of itself, but when the DOCTORS had told UNCLE DEWEY to REMOVE HIS SHOE, they WERE ASTONISHED TO FIND THAT THE LITTLE man had had a SCREW THAT HAD BEEN WELDED INTO THE BOTTOM OF HIS LEFT FOOT!