Diamonds Are Forever

Last Updated: Monday, 16 February 2004, 15:31 GMT
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Diamond star thrills astronomers A diamond that is almost forever Twinkling in the sky is a diamond star of 10 billion trillion trillion carats, astronomers have discovered. The cosmic diamond is a chunk of crystallised carbon, 4,000 km across, some 50 light-years from the Earth in the constellation Centaurus. It's the compressed heart of an old star that was once bright like our Sun but has since faded and shrunk. Astronomers have decided to call the star "Lucy" after the Beatles song, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Twinkle twinkle "You would need a jeweller's loupe the size of the Sun to grade this diamond," says astronomer Travis Metcalfe, of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics, who led the team of researchers that discovered it. The diamond star completely outclasses the largest diamond on Earth, the 546-carat Golden Jubilee which was cut from a stone brought out of the Premier mine in South Africa. The huge cosmic diamond - technically known as BPM 37093 - is actually a crystallised white dwarf. A white dwarf is the hot core of a star, left over after the star uses up its nuclear fuel and dies. It is made mostly of carbon. For more than four decades, astronomers have thought that the interiors of white dwarfs crystallised, but obtaining direct evidence became possible only recently. The white dwarf is not only radiant but also rings like a gigantic gong, undergoing constant pulsations. "By measuring those pulsations, we were able to study the hidden interior of the white dwarf, just like seismograph measurements of earthquakes allow geologists to study the interior of the Earth. "We figured out that the carbon interior of this white dwarf has solidified to form the galaxy's largest diamond," says Metcalfe. Astronomers expect our Sun will become a white dwarf when it dies 5 billion years from now. Some two billion years after that, the Sun's ember core will crystallise as well, leaving a giant diamond in the centre of the solar system. "Our Sun will become a diamond that truly is forever," says Metcalfe.

The crooked cops-PART ONE-By Nadine Noriega

NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. Gary was in a LOT OF TROUBLE. He had been speeding down 4th and TROY, when
suddenly a cop car squealed its TIRES, turned on its
SIRENS, and stopped him right at 4th and Utica. Gary
waited while the policeman strode over to his car. "GET OUT OF THE CAR!" he ordered brusquely. When Gary got out of the car, the policeman
looked him up and down. Gary couldn't SEE his EYES
because the man was wearing SILVER SHADES. "Your eyes are BLOODSHOT! Have you been
drinking?" Gary stared BACK at the INSOLENT TWIT. He said,
slowly, so that the TWIT could UNDERSTAND, "Officer, I
couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you
been eating DONUTS?" The cop GRABBED GARY THEN, and STUCK THE
CUFFS ON HIM. Then he THREW Gary into his car, and then
SPED DOWN TOWARDS THE JAILHOUSE. Then, because
there were STAIRS, the cop TRIPPED GARY, and he went
ROLLING DOWN THE STAIRS....Gary lay on the floor. He was
reminded of a STUPID JOKE that Tommy had told him only
HOURS before:
How many cops does it take to throw a man down the
stairs???
None. He fell...... Gary's BLOOD ALCOHOL was WAY ABOVE THE
LIMIT, and so when he'd been SENT BEFORE THE
JUDGE--------------AGAIN----------------the judge glared down at
GARY, and thundered "It is the SENTENCE of this COURT
that you be taken from here to a place of EXECUTION, and
there hanged by the neck until DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!!!!!!!." Gary FAINTED. The court bailiff looked up at the judge, and the
judge shrugged and responded "I've always WANTED to do
that..."
....Later, at GARY'S HEARING, IT WAS REVEALED
THAT his WIFE, LOTTIE, had run off with a policeman. Gary
had explained to the JUDGE that he was SPEEDING DOWN
4TH AND TROY, because HIS WIFE had run off with the
policeman, AND GARY HAD PANICKED AND STEPPED ON
THE GAS, BECAUSE HE FEARED that the OFFICER had
gotten FRIGHTENED OF LOTTIE, and he was TRYING TO
GIVE HER BACK TO GARY! "Lottie drove THREE OF HER EX-HUSBANDS TO
SUICIDE, and TWO OTHERS ARE MISSING!" Gary had
testified, at his HEARING, "I didn't WANT Lottie back, AND
BESIDES, I'm in LOVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!" The judge had let GARY GO, and Gary went and
spent the night with his VOLUPTUOUS VELOCIRAPTOR,
MARGO, and the VERY NEXT DAY HE WAS GONE... Now, IN ADDITION TO WILLIE THE CHUPACABRA,
and the disgruntled customer at JOE'S DINER, there were
TWO MORE SUSPECTS in Gary's disappearance: his wife
LOTTIE, and the OFFICER SHE'D RUN OFF WITH. He was
about to go and INTERVIEW THEM, when Lobelia called him
on the PHONE. "I CAN'T STAND THE CRYING ANY LONGER!"
Lobelia spoke into the phone. "What's WRONG?" Sgt Falconian wanted to know.he could hear NADINE WAILING IN THE BACKGROUND. "I think NADINE IS SICK--------she's been CRYING
ALL AFTERNOON! I've tried EVERYTHING, but she still
CRIES...." Sgt Falconian sighed. Nadine had always been a
HIGH-MAINTENANCE BABY. From the FIRST DAY she'd come
to LIVE with the little man, Nadine had had NEEDS, and she
would CRY--------MOSTLY IN THE EVENING. The little man had
WAYS TO QUIET HER DOWN. Often he would stick her in a
SLING, which he wore on his shoulder, while he did the
VACUUMING. Sgt Falconian looked FUNNY when he did this,
and, when OTTO had SEEN HIM THIS WAY, HE LAUGHED
LIKE CRAZY, BUT SGT FALCONIAN DIDN'T MIND, when he
saw Nadine's contented features nestled against his
breast. Sgt Falconian hurried home. When he GOT THERE, he found the winged
creature, nestled up against LOBELIA'S MASSIVE CHEST.
She was hugging him and CLUTCHING AT HIM WITH HER
SMALL SCALY GREEN HANDS, and she was SOBBING WITH
HUGE, SHAKING HEAVES! Nadine looked up at Sgt
Falconian, and the little man saw FEAR in her eyes. Quickly,
he took the winged creature from Lobelia's arms. As he
caressed Nadine's scaly features, the little man spoke, "She's AFRAID of something....Something
MUST'VE SPOOKED her...." He hugged Nadine hard, pressing
her small head against his small chest. HE looked at
Lobelia, who had the SAME FRIGHTENED EXPRESSION. The
velociraptor took Sgt Falconian aside. "I think somebody's been in YOUR ROOM..." "What?" "When I went over to pick up some things for
Nadine, I saw your CLOSET DOOR OPEN!"

Gary-The Story of a HENPECKED HUSBAND-By Nadine Noriega

The day before he disappeared, Gary was at Joe's Diner with his best friend, TOMMY GRIBBLE. They were eating cheeseburgers and green chili and they were both sitting in the both. Gary was UPSET because LOTTIE--------his WIFE-------had given him HELL again.
"She got AFTER me 'cuz I left the dog in the basement..."
Tommy shook his head. Lottie was a mean-spirited short woman with black hair and mean-looking black eyes. "That's NOT FAIR..." Tommy said, in between bites of his burger. "Everybody MAKES MISTAKES..."
"But I did it ON PURPOSE!" Gary stated, matter-of-factly, brushing a strand of his blond hair from his eyes. "That HOUND FROM HELL ATTACKED ME while I was PUTTIN' UP TH' ANTENNA!'
Gary had told about what had HAPPENED, earlier that day. He'd been up on the roof fixing up the antenna, and he'd gone down the ladder to get a piece of WIRE FROM HIS TOOL KIT. The dog had fastened onto Gary's arm, and Gary had had to go to the VET to get the dog OFF OF HIM. The vet sedated the dog, and Gary took it HOME to the basement.
"Lottie kicked me out of the house!" Gary said, sadly. "Guess I'll go ACROSS THE STREET and get a ROOM!"
Tommy shook his head. "Nah. Stay over with ME! Tommy Jr is at his GRANDMA'S for the weekend, and the place is EMPTY without him.
"Okay... "Gary muttered, and drank his coffee. Soon he paid for his dinner and left. Tommy stared at his friend's departing figure.
\ "GARY'S a GOOD GUY..." Tommy thought, to himself. Soft-hearted as all get out. Taking in ALL KINDS OF STRANGE CREATURES, like the baby robins he found in his backyard, and the WEIRD-LOOKING THING that looked like a GIANT VEINED JELLY FISH!
Gary had bought all kinds of birdseeds for the baby robins, and he'd taken care of them until they were OLD ENOUGH TO BE OUT ON THEIR OWN, but THEN when they got BIG, Gary found out that the 'baby robins', were BUZZARDS, and THEY FIXATED ON THE SAILOR, dive-bombing him and pooping on his HEAD!"
The JELLYFISH CREATURE, Gary had found ON TOP OF HIS PICKUP, late one night, had found, late one night, when he was coming home from work. There it was, on the HOOD, and Gary didn't know whether to EAT IT or PLANT IT. But then he saw that it was an INTELLIGENT SENTIENT BEING, and so he kept it up on a SHELF in the KITCHEN. Lottie, of course, HATED it, but Gary had set his FOOT DOWN. He was KEEPING THE CREATURE, and Lottie could go to h------------
Now the customers were talking around Tommy, but he didn't HEAR what they were saying. He was REALLY WORRIED ABOUT GARY. He should---------Tommy thought---------KEEP THE BUZZARDS and that JELLYFISH THING, because they HAD TREATED HIM BETTER THAN LOTTIE DID.
Gary, meanwhile, was thinking---------something he WASN'T USED TO DOING! He strode down the street to the parking lot, where his pickup was parked. He WAS-----he thought---------BETTER OFF WITHOUT LOTTIE, and he'd been planning on asking her for a DIVORCE. Things had gotten SO BAD BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM, that NOW HE WAS TAKING PILLS FOR EVERYTHING FROM HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, HIGH CHOLESTEROL, and, TOENAIL FUNGUS!
Worse, Lottie's NAGGING had caused Gary to become ABSENT-MINDED! He shivered, as he remembered ALL THE THINGS HE'D BEEN FORGETTING, like names and addresses and supplies he was supposed to pick up for construction site! He was beginning to turn into his Aunt Aggie, who used to FORGET WHERE SHE LEFT HER HOUSE KEYS, or Uncle George, who had left his teeth in the MEN'S ROOM at the green HOUSE ON EVERGREEN TERRACE!
Uncle George had been seeing a woman there, and she WASN'T HIS WIFE! Gary's father had----------one time------taken the bus home from WORK, FORGETTING THAT HE'D DRIVEN THERE THAT MORNING! Gary got into his truck and SAT THERE. He was TURNING INTO THESE PEOPLE!
One night, Gary was walking home from Joe's Diner. He had been staring at the stars, wondering at their beauty, and awestruck at how much the sky had looked like black velvet. He forgot where he was going, and he fell down a ditch which was filled with SEWAGE!
He HATED LOTTIE! He hated her BEEDY EYES, her black TARANTULA-LIKE HAIR, and her HIGH-PITCHED WHINY VOICE!!!! He felt like ALL THE JOKES PEOPLE TOLD ABOUT HEN-PECKED HUSBANDS...HENPECKED HUSBANDS...Gary was a HENPECKED HUSBAND!!!!!
1. He wears the pants in the house – under his apron.
2. He has two chances of winning an argument with her, slim and none.
3. She leads a double life – hers and his.
4. He comes right out and says what she tells him to think.
5. She does not have to raise the roof, all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.
6. The only time he opens his mouth is to ask her for the apron and the vacuum cleaner.
7. He always has the last word – he says, “I apologize”.
8. She snaps “are you a man or a mouse – squeak up”.
9. He was a man about town, she has turned him into a mouse around the house.
10. The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry.
11. She tames to be pleased.
12. He put a ring on her finger and she put one through his nose.
13. He can’t even open his mouth to yawn, she complains he is causing a draft.
14. He was a dude before marriage – now he is subdued.
15. He married her for her looks, but not the kind he’s getting now.
16. He even has to ask permission to ask permission.
17. She lost her thumb in an accident and sued for $100,000, because it was the thumb she had him under.
18. She even complains about the noise he makes, when he is fixing his own breakfast.
19. He worships the ground she gives him the run – around on.
20. He goes to a woman dentist – it’s a relief to be told to open his mouth instead of to shut it.
21. When he is late for dinner he gets two kinds of meat, ‘hot tongue’ & ‘cold shoulder’.
22. He should have been warned, when he carried her over the threshold after they were married, that she couldn’t wait to put her foot down.
23. Every once in awhile she comes to him on her bended knees. She dares him to come out from under the bed.
24. He has to hold his pay envelope up to the light, to see if he got a raise.
25. She wants to go to the seashore, claiming that mountain air disagrees with her. He can’t see how it would dare.
Suddenly, Lottie's hateful, SCREAMING FACE swam before him. Before he knew what he was DOING, he'd started the pickup, GUNNED THE MOTOR, and WITH HIS FOOT FIRMLY DOWN ON THE GAS PEDAL, HE DROVE OUT OF THE PARKING LOT AND SPED DOWN THE HIGHWAY. he didn't KNOW HOW HE'D GOTTEN INTO THE ACCIDENT, BUT SUDDENLY, THERE WAS THE RAVINE, AND----------BEFORE HE COULD HIT THE BRAKES,
His pickup...
Went SAILING THROUGH THE AIR...
...And the LAST THING HE FELT, WAS A SICKENING FEELING OF WEIGHTLESSNESS!

Laundry Hamper Radiation-By Nadine Noriega

<12:42>
Meanwhile, Uncle Dewey, Sgt Falconian's UNCLE, having been released from JAIL, was now living next door to SGT FALCONIAN'S ROOM. Uncle DEWEY was EXTREMELY ABSENTMINDED------------to the POINT OF COMPLETE IDIOCY. He had BARELY ESCAPED being EATEN BY CRAZY LOIS----------who, during one of her INTENSE CRAVINGS, had GONE AFTER THE LITTLE MAN, who had so resembled SGT FALCONIAN, that the TWO OF THEM COULD'VE BEEN TWINS---------they looked that much alike!
Crazy Lois was off her meds again, AND SHE HAD REVERTED TO HER USUAL HOMICIDAL SELF. She had already attempted to snack on Mr Lincoln's cat, Mr Lincoln's plant, several RESIDENTS, TWO of her SONS, her HUSBAND, who'd been found hiding in the basement. Crazy Lois had been taken down to the POLICE STATION, after she had HIJACKED AN ICE CREAM TRUCK! When she had been put BACK on her meds------VITAMINS which had REDUCED HER STRANGE CRAVINGS---------Lois became almost NORMAL.
After ACCOSTING NADINE, the TINY WINGED CREATURE, inside the ELEVATOR, Lois caught sight of Uncle Dewey, who was trying to get inside his NEPHEW'S ROOM, thinking it was HIS OWN. The mad velociraptor HAD STALKED UNCLE DEWEY, until she caught him inside the LAUNDRY ROOM.When ONE OF THE RESIDENTS, had gone down there to do his LAUNDRY, Lois had the little man in a HEADLOCK, ATTEMPTING TO CHEW ON HIS EARS. She got away, running after Mr Winston's pet RABBIT, JAKE, and it was AFTER THE INCIDENT with the ICE CREAM TRUCK, that Lois was caught and taken to the hospital, to be put back on her VITAMINS.
Uncle Dewey--------as noted---------was COMPLETELY ABSENTMINDED, and besides this problem, he also had gotten some VERY STRANGE IDEAS. It was not clear whether these ideas came from a brain which was HALF-HUMAN and HALF-REPTILIAN, or whether Uncle Dewey would've been this way HAD HE BEEN FULLY HUMAN. At ANY RATE, the little man was VERY STRANGE, and he ALSO HAD A VERY STRANGE PET, called a SPIDERANTULA, which was HALF SPIDER, AND HALF TARANTULA.
No one knew how this MYSTERIOUS creature came into being, but Uncle Dewey said that he had found it INSIDE A WASHING MACHINE in the BUILDING'S LAUNDRY ROOM, one day, when he went DOWN there to do his LAUNDRY, and, instead of KILLING IT, he ADOPTED IT. He would spend HOURS WATCHING HIS STRANGE NEW PET WEAVING INTRICATE WEBS, and all the time he would wonder why his giant spider never got CAUGHT in its own web. He had THEORIES as to how his pet came into being, and it had to do with a BLACK HOLE THAT WAS INSIDE THE WASHING MACHINE.
Uncle Dewey had long studied cosmic mysteries, such as the NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE, and the POSSIBILITY of LIFE ON OTHER PLANETS, the MYSTERY which was GRAVITY, and WHY SOCKS DISAPPEARED INSIDE THE LAUNDRY. One theory that he had was that SOCKS WERE INTELLIGENT BEINGS, and that they had PLANNED TO DISAPPEAR into thin air. ANOTHER THEORY that he had, had something to do with QUANTUM MECHANICS somehow being involved in transforming socks into BELLY BUTTON LINT, and DUSTBUNNIES. Still ANOTHER THEORY that he had, involved CANNIBALISTIC SOCKS, that ROAMED THE UNIVERSE, TERRORIZING AND EATING OTHER HELPLESS SOCKS which had been left in the DRYER, or had been dropped there, by ACCIDENT.
At any rate, Uncle Dewey was having a LIVELY DISCUSSION with his pet SPIDERANTULA, which he had named 'AUGUST'----------because he'd FOUND the creature IN AUGUST. At the moment, he was TELLING AUGUST--------AUGIE, FOR SHORT--------that, " socks go missing in the laundry because a space-time warp somehow transforms them into BELLY-BUTTON LINT, AND THAT THEY USE A WASHER THAT RESEMBLES AN ATOMIC SUPER-COLLIDER!-------JUST LOOK AT THIS DIAGRAM I HAVE, don't YOU THINK THAT THESE PICTURES LOOK THE SAME?"
Augie, of course, COULDN'T TALK, but his BIG BLACK EYES TOOK IN EVERYTHING that the little man was showing him, and--------presumably, THOUGH ONE COULD NEVER TELL WITH SPIDERANTULAS---------he could UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING THAT UNCLE DEWEY was SAYING ABOUT THE WASHER BEING A WORMHOLE into ANOTHER UNIVERSE.. After Crazy Lois had run off, Uncle Dewey had proceeded to TAKE THE WASHER APART. He was INTERRUPTED by the arrival of GUSHING WATER, WHICH HAD BEEN CAUSED WHEN he had removed a PIPE without TURNING OFF THE WATER! It had been the SECOND TIME that day that he had been ATTACKED BY A VELOCIRAPTOR, because WALT THE JANITOR had NOT BEEN VERY HAPPY ABOUT Uncle Dewey's renovation of the WASHING MACHINE, and HE HAD PUT THE LITTLE MAN IN AN INTENSE HEADLOCK!
It had taken SEVERAL HUMANS AND VELOCIRPATORS to PRY WALT THE JANITOR off of UNCLE DEWEY, who was SOAKED TO THE SKIN and was bruised and battered. Far from being DISCOURAGED from his venture, Uncle Dewey waited until everyone had left, and the water had been pumped out of the laundry room, to go back to his project. His theory was that dryers had been spinning away, JUST LIKE SUPER-COLLIDERS, and that they SPINNED SOCKS INTO COLLISIONS SO ENERGETIC, THAT THEY BUILT UP POWERFUL JOLTS of STATIC ELECTRICITY, which HAD CREATED A WORMHOLE THAT THE SOCKS DISAPPEARED INTO. Uncle Dewey called this energy, LAUNDRY-HAMPER RADIATION.
He had WAITED until EVERYONE WAS ASLEEP, and he'd gone down to the LAUNDRY ROOM, where THAT washing machine was. Once he was there he REWIRED AND REWORKED IT UNTIL HE WAS SATISFIED with his new theory. When he was FINISHED with his 'WORK', he PLUGGED the WASHER INTO A WALL SOCKET, and WHAT HAD HAPPENED NEXT had CONVINCED UNCLE DEWEY to BELIEVE that he had MASTERED the knack of quantum teleportation, achieving what was effectively FASTER-THAN-LIGHT SPEED over short distances. But what he had ACTUALLY DONE, was create a MASSIVE SHORT-CIRCUIT that had sent the ENTIRE TOWN INTO DARKNESS. When the sparks and the smoke had cleared, Uncle Dewey's feet were FRAUGHT with crawling nerves. His left foot felt like the bottom of it was crawling with insects carrying live electrical cords. Every once in a while, he felt a nasty shock on the bottom of that foot, AND WHEN THEY HAD TAKEN HIM TO THE ER, Uncle Dewey WAS HAVING TROUBLE MOVING HIS LEFT SIDE.
This was NOT strange, in and of itself, but when the DOCTORS had told UNCLE DEWEY to REMOVE HIS SHOE, they WERE ASTONISHED TO FIND THAT THE LITTLE man had had a SCREW THAT HAD BEEN WELDED INTO THE BOTTOM OF HIS LEFT FOOT!

Search For A Doctor-by Nadine Noriega

Sgt Falconian was eyeing a FLOWER-POWER toaster that was sitting on the edge of Mancuso's work area. The velociraptor had-----------that very day---------purchased the toaster, which was now SITTING NEXT TO HIS LUNCH PAIL.
"Wouldja LOOKIT THAT?" the little man exclaimed to Kooky Clarence, who was still and quiet. He---like Mancuso---------HATED the store at night. The place was SPOOKY. It gave KOOKY CLARENCE the HEEBIE-JEEBIES...The DARN place was like a TOMB...
Sgt Falconian went to the toaster. He plugged it in, and rifled through Mancuso's lunch pail. He found some BLUEBERRY BAGLES, which he popped into the toaster.
"Hey, YOU SHOULDN'T BE DOING THAT!" Kooky Clarence pulled at Sgt Falconian's coat.
"Oh HE DON'T MIND..." the little man muttered. "We BORROW STUFF OFF EACH OTHER, all the TIME!" He pushed the lever down. "Why just LAST WEEK, he grabbed a HAM SANWICH I wuz savin' for Nadine..." He rifled through Mancuso's LOCKER, where he found a thermos full of hot coffee. "WANT some?" he asked.
"No" Kooky Clarence shook his head. He pulled his windbreaker over him. He looked around the storage area. "He came down HERE..." the young kid muttered. He was thinking of the bearded man with the briefcase.
Sgt Falconian cocked his head. Kooky Clarence continued. "He had BEATRICE'S head INSIDE THAT BRIEFCASE! He STOLE HER HEAD! WHY would ANYBODY want to STEAL HER HEAD?"
"I don't KNOW..."
"And I liked BEATRICE, TOO! Little Josie introduced her to me one afternoon after she CAME home from SCHOOL...So, HOW'S the NEW DOCTOR working out?"
Sgt Falconian shook his head. "We ain't GOT a new doctor just yet. Every SINGLE ONE of 'em either DON'T TAKE MEDICAID, or they HEARD ABOUT NADINE..."
Kooky Clarence was CURIOUS. Sgt Falconian poured some coffee into a cup he found next to Mancuso. The little man shook his head and muttered, "Nadine DOESN'T LIKE doctors!She HATES having to visit the doctor, she hates the check ups, she HATES blood-work, she HATES the SMELL of doctor's offices and how the other patients always COUGH in the waiting room. She gets very IRATE----that's a TERM POLICEMEN use--------with me! She HATES anybody wearin' SCRUBS and a stethoscope! She GOES AFTER 'EM, an' TRIES TA SCRATCH THEIR EYES OUT!!!"
The little man went to a filing cabinet that was next to Mancuso's lunch pail."This must be th' PAPERS he's been wantin' me TA LOOK AT..." He rifled through the file, and continued talking about the winged creature, and her INTENSE DISLIKE FOR DOCTORS.
"Nadine tends to get NERVOUS about things. Every TIME I have ta take 'er t' th' DOCTOR, she gets MAD. A couple MONTHS BACK, she had a BAD EAR INFECTION! I had ta HOLD HER DOWN for the DOCTOR to be able to look in her EAR! The NURSE had a HARD TIME even takin' her TEMP! I had ta GIVE HER her EARDROPS, myself, cuz she SCREAMED EVERYTIME TH' DOCTOR CAME NEAR HER!" The little man stopped at a pink piece of paper. "This must be IT!" he muttered.
Kooky Clarence looked at the paper. It looked like a MEDICAL RELEASE FORM. "Is THAT for a DOCTOR?" he asked, blinking at the paper.
Sgt Falconian nodded. "I had MANCUSO sign us up at TWO DIFFERENT CLINICS---------they're OUTTA th' NEIGHBORHOOD, SO they HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT NADINE, YET..." He went on to describe about Nadine's TANTRUMS, her stomach upsets, and her little accidents on the bus, and in the waiting room. "An' SOMETIMES, they ain't ACCIDENTS!" Sgt Falconian's brown eyes glittered. He ran a grimy hand through his unkempt hair. "Nadine is a little TERRORIST!" he muttered, and then his words rushed out of his mouth, as though they'd been locked inside him, for a VERY LONG TIME, "....I took 'ER to the PARK ONE DAY, and WE WERE BY THE PINE TREES, and she PICKED UP ALL THE PINE CONES THAT WERE SCATTERED ALL OVER TH' PLACE, an' I put 'em in a bag and GAVE 'EM TO HER, an' they NEVER LEFT her SIGHT! When I wuz givin' her her BATH, she hadda have it WITH HER. Then after THAT, SHE STARTED GRABBIN' CONES OF EVERY SHAPE AND SIZE! "Ethel, an' Rosemary an' even JOE THE COOK DOWN AT TH' DINER----------ALL HAD TA to NEW FUNNELS because NADINE TOOK ALL THE OLD ONES... She hid ALL OF 'EM in th' CLOSET, an' then she wanted ta WEAR HER RED SHIRT an' her ORANGE PANTS! Those colors look AWFUL together, but IT'S WHAT SHE WANTS, and whatever NADINE WANTS-------NADINE GETS...." Sgt Falconian stopped for breath, and then he continued,
"Dr NICHOLS wuz th' ONLY DOCTOR she LIKED---------besides DR LINN. Now that they're BOTH GONE, Nadine has a CHIP ON HER SHOULDER! They LEFT an' NOW SHE'S TAKIN' IT OUT ON ME..."
Kooky Clarence patted the little man's frail shoulder. Sgt Falconian continued. "Yesterday,she got MAD cuz th' phone wuz RINGIN', an' she started ta CHEW ON TH' CORD..." he blinked and brushed his arm against his face. Then, suddenly, he started to laugh, and his laughter sounded cross, and angry, as though he was making FUN of Kooky Clarence. Then he stopped.
"Nadine is WEIRD..." He said. "The OTHER day, she wuz makin' her little NOISES. She doesn't TALK yet, but she's GETTIN' there, an she WUZ TALKIN' t' somebody, only when I went ta look at who she wuz talkin' to, THERE WUZN'T ANYBODY THERE!!! Nadine is WEIRD, I TELL YA..."

ANOTHER SURVEY

Every so often, I get a SURVEY in the EMAIL. Here are MY ANSWERS:

1. What time is it? 7:48 PM 8/7/2009 2. What's your full name Nadine Louise Noriega 3. What are you most afraid of? Not being able to
DISCOVER THE SECRET OF IMMORTALITY before I DIE. 4. What's the most recent movie you've seen?
The Mothman. 5.. Place of birth-Alamosa Colorado. 6. Favorite food -chef salads, and MOLDY TOAST. 7. What's your natural hair color dark brown with
streaks of grey and mustard from my POTATO SALAD. 8. Ever been skinny dipping? No, I'm just a SKINNY
DIP... 9. Love someone so much it made you cry? No, I
only DO THAT WITH ONIONS. 10. Ever been in a car accident-No, but I've had an
ACCIDENT in the CAR. 11. Croutons or bacon bits. both 12.. Ever been on a ship?No. 13. Favorite Flowers lavender lilacs and skunk
cabbage. 14. Favorite day of the week. ALL OF THEM. 15. Favorite sport to watch- Outhouse tipping. 16. Warner Brothers or Disney- both 17. Favorite restaurant . Wendys 18. Favorite drink -coffee 19. Favorite Ice cream- French vanilla and mustard. 20. What color is your bedroom carpet- It's a
MUSTARD color ON ACCOUNT OF AN ACCIDENT I JUST HAD... 21. Who will respond to this e-mail the
quickest-Rosemary. 22. Who will be least likely to respond Vladimir
Putin. 23. Who is the person that you are most curious to
see their responses-Rosemary 24. How many times did you fail your driver's test
none 25. Last person you went to dinner with-NOBODY. I
eat by MYSELF. It's SAFER FOR EVERYONE, that way. 26. Favorite TV shows - Law & Order, Family Guy,
the Simpsons, and MARRIED WITH CHILDREN. 27. What do you want to do before you die-Discover
the SECRET TO IMMORTALITY. 28. Before this one, from whom did you get your last
e-mail -FROM ROSEMARY. 29. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The
CHICKEN. God made the CHICKEN so that she could LAY
EGGS. Otherwise, we WOULDN'T HAVE SCRAMBLED EGGS
FOR BREAKFAST. (THANK YOU GOD...) 30. Park or Zoo-park. 31. Have you ever been overseas-No. 32. What do you do when you are bored -watch TV,
play on computer, pick lint out of my bb. 33. What are your favorite colors most shades of
red, blue, purple and PINK. I LOVE BABY ANIMALS BECAUSE
OF THEIR NICE PINK STOMACHS... 34. How many people are you sending this e-mail
-just ROSEMARY. THE OTHERS WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND. 35. Your usual Bedtime usually AFTER midnight but
BEFORE DAWN. 36.. 20 How many tattoos do you have -none 37. How many pets do you have-NONE. 38. Time you finished this survey 8:02 PM 8/7/2009-not
a MOMENT TOO SOON...

THELMA-By Nadine Noriega

It had all started when the lady who lived down the hall from
KOOKY CLARENCE, had come out, wearing her weird FISH
SLIPPERS----------the ugly things had actually looked like
SOMEONE HAD STAPLED THONGS ONTO SOME DEAD FISH!
She smiled at Kooky Clarence, and said that she needed a
ride to the store.
Thelma walked with a limp, and Kooky Clarence
felt SORRY for her. He gave her a ride on his bike, and then
after the store, he invited her to the movies. It was NICE,
except for the Weird People who were at the Movies!
Thelma was a HAPPY girl, despite her having the
limp, but Kooky Clarence realized that Thelma had the
strange ability to attract the crazies to the movie theater
--------she was NOT the person to go see a MOVIE with.
They sat in front of the family of obese individuals
who liked to kick the seats while eating loudly and breathing
even louder in a very arduous, uncomfortable way. While this
was going on, a guy a few seats down from them started
talking on his cell phone in the middle of the movie.
Two guys sat down practically right in front of
Kooky Clarence, and one of the guys – the tallest guy, who
had a clump of curly, oily hair – got up and then moved even
more in front of Kooky Clarence and Thelma, forcing them to
move down.
Things got REALLY weird when a big guy off to the
side decided he wanted some candy… and no, not just any
candy but KOOKY CLARENCE'S candy, the same candy that
his girlfriend – A BIG BRONTOSAURIC creature, whom he’d
been fighting with before the movie started –had a BAG OF.
Twenty minutes into the film, Kooky Clarence
heard, “I want my candy.” Not a shout, but not a whisper. A
few moments pass, and he get another, “I want my candy!”
This time, much longer. After a couple more rather loud
reques, his girlfriend HISSED at him, and gave him SOME OF
HER CANDY.
On the OTHER side of the theater, someone was
rubbing his hands SO LOUD, that the ENTIRE THEATER could
HEAR HIM! Kooky Clarence noticed that the BRONTOSAURIC
CREATURE was LOOKING AT HIM in THAT SPECIAL WAY.
She EVEN WINKED at him. Kooky Clarence didn't KNOW
WHAT THE MOVIE was all about---he was TOO DISTRACTED
BY THE STRANGE PEOPLE IN THE THEATER---------and BY
THELMA, more specifically her beaded PURSE--------and what
was MOVING AROUND INSIDE IT! A small BALD HEAD with
BLACK BEEDY EYES poked out of THELMA'S PURSE. It shot
out a long FORKED TONGUE, and next to it's odd-looking
FACE, Kooky Clarence could see a small CLAW, hanging onto
the TOP OF THE PURSE!
Then, the VERY NEXT DAY, as Kooky Clarence was
taking the bus to the SAVE-A-BUNCH, a heavily bearded
man, wearing SUNGLASSES, who was in the seat next to
Kooky Clarence kept jumping up and sorting through his
enormous carry-on bag that he had stuffed next to Kooky
Clarence. The kid tried to ignore the man, but the man
knocked his SUITCASE over, and it fell to the floor near
Kooky Clarence's boot. It flew open to REVEAL A
MANNEQUIN HEAD-------------"...And it looked JUST LIKE THE
MANNEQUIN that was at the DAYROOM!" Kooky Clarence
told Sgt Falconian, excitedly, "YOU REMEMBER----the one
thatNADINE KNOCKED OVER----and her HEAD FELL INTO
MRS. McCARTHY'S SOUP?"

WIND JOKES

Farmer Brown: "Did you lose much in that last tornado?" Farmer Jones: "Lost the henhouse and all the chickens. But
that's OK 'cause I ended up with three new cows and a
pick-up truck."
and...
Two farmers were boasting about the strongest wind they’d
ever experienced. “Out here in California,” said one, “I’ve
seen the fiercest wind in my life. You know those giant
redwood trees? Well the wind got so strong it bent them
right over.”
“That’s nothing,” said the farmer from Iowa. “Back on my
farm we had a wind one day that blew a hundred miles per
hour. It was so bad that one of my hens had her back turned
to the wind and she laid the same egg six times.”
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding
water. A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
Don't knock the weather; nine out of ten people couldn't
start a conversation if it didn't change once in awhile!
If you see a heat wave, should you wave back?
The wind is like the air, only pushier.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close
you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so
never mind.
And now, for your extended forecast: "Foooorrrcaaaasssstt"
What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis!
Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get!
These, apparently, are actual answers given to test
questions.
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water
tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the
moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun
joins in this fight."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on
them and makes them perspire."
"I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know
how to do it, and that is the important thing."
"Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how
to change back into a sun in the daytime."
"While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance
from the sun, it is really only centrificating."
"In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O."
"Rain is saved up in cloud banks."
"Thunder is a rich source of loudness."
"Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their
names sound."
"We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to
put the top on."
"Clouds are highflying fogs."
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And
around. There is not much else to do.
Water vapour gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough
to be called a drop, it does.

A Short Neurological Test

1- Find the C below. Please do not use any cursor help. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below. 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.
Congratulations!
Oh. One more test....
Find the 44th USA President.

Well, congratulations, you're not colour blind either!

SENIOR CITIZENSARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS! HEARING AIDS BAND AIDS ROLL AIDS WALKING AIDS MEDICAL AIDS GOVERNMENT AIDS MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Hard Hats-By Nadine Noriega

Albertson's department store had once been the TOWN STEEL MILL. Generations of people had worked there. Some were from Earth. They were the LOST PEOPLE, some who had gone for a walk in the park, or to the STORE, and had suddenly found themselves in a strange world.
Those who had become acclimated to their new life, had gone to work in the Steel Mill. Their CHILDREN had ALSO FOLLOWED in their footsteps. The Steelmill had built two tunnels under Interstate 25 that led employees in and out of the steel mill.
The town's history was entrenched in steel making. For over 40 years, the tunnels had been major entrances and exits for laborers.
Lobelia's uncle had worked in the mill's chemical lab for 46 years, and his grandfather had made a career in the mill's powerhouse. Lobelia's aunt had worked in the legal department as a records custodian. As a small boy, Lobelia used to meet his uncle with his lunch pail in his hand.
At one time, the tunnel ran under the railroad tracks.The Main Gate of the tunnel resembled the entrance of a subway or metro station. Through the tall metal turnstiles and down two flights of stairs, the pair of concrete passages were once filled shoulder-to-shoulder with mill employees.
One tunnel was for traffic entering the mill and the other for exiting foot traffic. Out of use for many years, the tunnel had an air of eeriness, and it was RIPE WITH THE GHOSTS of the MILL WORKERS, who had worked in the Mill, so LONG ago...The Steel Mill had shut down several years before, amidst reports that SEVERAL HARDHATS had been eaten by a pack of WOLVES.
New developers had come to town, and had turned the old Steel Mill into a DEPARTMENT STORE. Like the OLD Steel Mill, the NEW department store was RIPE WITH RUMORS of HAUNTINGS, and MANNEQUINS who MOVED AND TALKED AMONGST THEMSELVES, and EVEN THOUGH the stories couldn't be VERIFIED, the people were SCARED TO BE INSIDE THE STORE after DARK-----EVEN THOUGH the store was THE ONLY DEPARTMENT store that was open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year!
It was to these tunnels that Sgt Falconian, and his new friend LOLA, had found themselves in. The tunnels-----as one might expect-----were cold, dark and MOLDY PLACES. The two traveled through the tunnels in silence----------Captain Hoolihan had allowed them to get inside the store to rescue little BUBBA, and KOOKY CLARENCE. Now, the TWO OF THEM WALKED, side-by side, in total silence. Their breathing sounds, and their footsteps echoed eerily down the tunnel. As they walked, cold gusts of air hit them, as did the MOLDY SMELLS of the dank tunnels. The small lightbulbs which lined the hallways cast eerie shadows on the wall. Suddenly, they saw a bright light at the end of the tunnel. Sgt Falconian wiped his brow wtih his grimy hand. "We're HERE..." he muttered.
...He had finally arrived at the Department store. He'd bumped into one of KOOKY CLARENCE'S old friends, WEIRD HAROLD. The old geezer had REMINDED him OF MOM. They HAD JUST LOST DADDY, and MOM had decided to go to the RAINBOW BAKERY, FOR SOME WHEAT BREAD. Well, he went with her-----------he was ALWAYS GOING PLACES WITH HER--------------and THIS DRUNK STARTED TO HIT ON MOM!!! He called her 'SWEETIE!' and he said SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL! He wanted to TAKE HER OUT, and SHE GOT MAD AT HIM! She said that DADDY WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAD ANY RIGHT TO TALK TO HER LIKE THAT, and she TOOK HER PURSE AND TRIED TO SWING IT AT HIM!!!!
He saw what was going on-----------he was looking at the CREAM PUFFS-----------and he RAN OVER TO WHERE SHE WAS AT, AND TOOK HER AWAY to LOOK AT THE MACAROONS! He shivered at the memory, having had MENTAL PICTURES OF THE DRUNK LYING DEAD AT HER FEET, and the POLICEMEN HANDCUFFING HER AND TAKING HER AWAY. He had JUST LOST his father, and he COULDN'T BEAR THE THOUGHT OF LOSING MOM, TOO!!!
Another time, she was talking about HOW SPECIAL DADDY WAS, and about WHAT A GOOD MAN HE WAS, and that NOBODY COULD FILL HIS SHOES. He was KIND OF OUT OF IT, at that time, and he AGREED with her-----especially about the PART WHERE NOBODY COULD FILL HIS SHOES. Daddy had BIG FEET---------THAT'S HOW COME his FEET were SO BIG, and THIS WAS ACTUALLY WHAT he THOUGHT MOM WAS TALKING ABOUT. It wasn't until MUCH LATER, that he REALIZED THAT IT WASN'T THE SIZE OF HIS FEET, she was talking about. She was talking about the SIZE OF HIS CHARACTER, and his HEART! Daddy was a SMALL PERSON, physically, but HE WAS LARGER THAN LIFE!
When he LOST them, he had kind of REGRESSED TO his YOUNGER SELF, to the point where he was EVERYTHING LITERALLY! He used to do that WHEN he WAS A KID, but for SOME REASON, he had REVERTED BACK to THAT KIND OF THINKING when DADDY LEFT, and AGAIN WHEN MOM LEFT. He was actually taking things LITERALLY, to the POINT, that when someone had told him to JUMP IN THE LAKE, HE WENT AHEAD AND DID IT!
The MANUFACTURERS had had to take him BACK TO THE FACTORY for REWIRING, and then they HAD checked his circuits over and over again. There HAD been something WRONG with his circuits, but they didn't REALIZE that he had actually become HUMANLIKE, to the point where HE HAD EXPERIENCED EMOTIONS over the loss of his parents! Other mannequins had become 'LIVE'---as they referred to this strange process-----but NONE of the manufacturers were made aware of it----because they would've viewed the mannequins as THREATS.
He was just at the entrance to the old tunnel, when he saw POLICEMEN surrounding a SHOPLIFTER, who had gotten VIOLENT. The shoplifter had pulled out a gun and had FIRED. The bullet struck him on the arm. Because he was becoming LIVE, he felt PAIN, SUCH AS HE'D NEVER FELT BEFORE. He dropped the bag, which contained the creature who'd killed ROBIN, and, clutching his arm, he fled down the dark tunnel which led to the hallway, where the storage room was.
08/02/09 09:45:07 PM

Steel Mill Tunnel An Entrance To The Past

News > LocalPublished: August 02, 2009 12:05 am No comments posted. Font Size:
Steel mill tunnel a passage to the past
CHIEFTAIN PHOTO/MIKE SWEENEY -- Amy Vigil (left) and Lynard Martin walk the underground tunnel workers at the steel mill formerly traveled between their job site and the outside world. The couple took in the Bessemer Historical Society's Tunnel Day at the Steelworks Museum on Saturday, marking the tunnel's first public opening since 1997.Main Gate opens to the public for the first time in 12 years.By NICK BONHAM THE PUEBLO CHIEFTAINFootsteps once again echoed through the halls of one of Pueblo's historic passages Saturday.
Like generations of Puebloans before them, people walked through Colorado Fuel & Iron Corporation's Main Gate, two tunnels under Interstate 25 that led employees in and out of the historic steel mill.
Pueblo's history is entrenched in steel making. From 1956 until 1997, the tunnel was a major entrance and exit for laborers.
Saturday was the first time the tunnel, purchased by the Bessemer Historical Society in 2002, had been opened for the public in more than a decade.
Some folks came to reminisce. Some came to ask questions. Some came to just walk and look at the tunnel that runs about 15 feet below the busy highway. "It's good to see so many go through the tunnel," said Janet Boyd, a mill employee of 31 years who was one of Saturday's tunnel guides.
Boyd's father, Fred Thomas, worked in the mill's chemical lab for 46 years, and her grandfather made a career in the mill's powerhouse. She works in the legal department as a records custodian.
"It's funny how people would remember waiting for their husband as they came out of the tunnel. There was a woman who said she remembered always meeting her father with his lunch pail in hand."
The tunnel is located outside the historical society's Steelworks Museum, 215 Canal St., in Bessemer.
Before the interstate, the tunnel ran under railroad tracks.
The Main Gate resembles the entrance of a subway or metro station. Through the tall metal turnstiles and down two flights of stairs, the pair of concrete passages were once filled shoulder-to-shoulder with mill employees.
One tunnel was for traffic entering the mill and the other for exiting foot traffic. Out of use for about 12 years, the tunnel has an air of eeriness, but on Saturday it exuded an aura of pride and wonder.
John Wolf, 29, has worked at the mill for more than three years. A crane operator, he, like many Puebloans, has a deep roots with the mill.
"I have three generations of steel workers on one side of the family and four on the other," Wolf said. "There's a lot of history to the mill and a lot of my relatives went through the tunnel."

FUNNY STUFF

LIFE AFTER DEATH

"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.

"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.

"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

PALM SUNDAY

IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR.

"PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON

ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?"

"I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE !! "

SUPPORT A FAMILY

THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"

THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

FIRST TIME USHERS

A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE."

PRAYERS :

THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS

"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE."NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."

THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. "I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE MOOD RING

MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.

THE WATER PISTOL

WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.

I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"

MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"

STUPID

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie ?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

COLD CREAM

Little Timmy watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Timmy. "Giving up?"

GRANDMA'S AGE

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS. GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING." JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"